the weather is here.. wish you were beautiful

Sun, 14 Nov 2004 04:38:48 GMT

okay, so i give in. i embrace. and here it is for those of you interested...

www.livejournal.com/users/ironical_you

yes, i've surrendered myself to LiveJournal, but not without a new alias.

good day

All Good Things..

Mon, 25 Oct 2004 01:05:15 GMT

I've been thinking, quite hard, as to what I may write for my last LiveJournal entry. Something prophetic, intelligent, deep and filled with wisdom. But of course, it doesn't just happen on command. So I figured, if I don't let go now, I never will, and I'm here n the update page, typing my... final address, if you will. Something to leave behind.

----And she takes another step, slowly she opens the door. Check that he's sleeping, pick up all the broken glass, and the furniture on the floor. Been up half the night screaming, now ti's time to get away. Pack up the kids in the car, another bruise to try and hide, another alibi to write. Another ditch in the road, you keep moving, another stop sign, you keep moving on. And the years go by so fast..Wonder how I ever made it through.----

I don't really have a true reason as to why I want this to end. Possibly because I see it as a distraction. Something that isn't neccessary, although entertaining. I don't particularly need it. I feel as though I'm missing so much of life right now, and I'm stuck in a cycle. Continuous, day to day, and I need to break it, before it breaks me. The easiest way to find the way out of a cycle is to find the weakest link, and expose it, break it, and free yourself. I feel as though this LiveJournal is, actually, a factor, partaking in my repetition day to day, and now I am breaking it. A start, basically, to freeing myself from my cyclish repetitive tedium.

----And there are children to think of, baby's asleep in the backseat. Wonder how they'll ever make it through this living nightmare. But the mind is an amazing thing, full of candy dreams and new toys, and another cheap hotel. Two beds and a coffee machine. But there are groceries to buy and she knows she'll have to go home. Another ditch in the road, you keep moving, another stop sign, you keep moving on. And the years go by so fast.. Wonder how I ever made it through.----

I've read so many good books lately. My play is going quite well. School is even decent, as I'm keeping my grades up and whatever. I'm cutting back on computer usage very drastically, but I've been writing more, on paper, and creative urges have been returning, which makes me feel content, and complete. I think back on all the things I've written about in this journal. Death, Romance, Depression, Loneliness, Love, and Anger. Anger seems to be a frequent pattern. Well, all the aforementioned are. Death is important as well. It has always been, and it always will be, and I am nowhere near the point of understanding it. As a result, I refuse to accept it. As a result, when death occurs, I'm highly affected. But I've decided to take time, alone, with paper and pen, and brush, and mind, and attempt to come as close as I may to understanding the concept of ending.

And so, as I've become highly distracted already, I feel as though it's time to say goodbye. I'm sorry if anyone is annoyed, or frustrated by my ending this, but I feel as though it must be done. If anyonee whom I don't talk to regularly happens to wish to contact me, my new email address is:
peripatetic_meditation@hotmail.com

Remember, all good things must end, but this doesn't mean that I won't be back, in some way, some shape, or some form. Don't doubt I'll be back with another LiveJournal one day. I just need some time alone, to myself, to put things in order. I hope everyone understands. Unfortunately, as much as I wish I could leave you with an amazing phrase, or quote to end this, all I can say is that you must remember that everyday above ground is a good day.

Love,
-Andrew Lennox

today is my birthday.

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 04:38:28 GMT

i've never cried for those who died, i cry for the temporary lapse of ignorance, and the realization of my own self-mortality.
but it wasn't me that died. it was him, and he lay there under the ground behind us. i'm able to go on, wake up tomorrow, go to school, and see my girl. but not him. and that hurt. people were nice to me for awhile.
that image, that inanimate object laying in the casket isn't who i remember. it isn't the person i knew. it's not even a body.
i feared that he was in a coma. but then i remembered embalming. and that's when he truly died.
i'm not sure this can continue for much longer. i'm sorry to say that this all may end. i'm going to be deleting this journal within the next week.

we don't know how far to go until we've gone too far.

yeh, to you jared. fuck you.

Mon, 18 Oct 2004 23:27:48 GMT

ok so today wasn't the greatest. i'm angry. i'm bitter, is more accurate. i hate you jared.
but of course, i'm not able to tell you. when do i have the time? the means? are those just excuses? i don't know, but i want to tell you how much you hurt me, and how i just ignored it, pretended it was okay, and if it got bad enough, i covered it with anger. but i wasn't really angry. and i'm still not. i just don't know any other way to react. i feel vulnerable if i show that it hurt, and you should know me well enough to realize that i HATE feeling vulnerable, and the last thing i want is to be exposed as weak. it's not me, and i refuse it. i'm obstinate like that. and so, in order to fight that, the first emotion that comes out is anger. i'm sorry. but i'm not. i'm tired of apologizing. you made me fucking apologize for something that i didn't even do. i didn't drive you away. no, fuck you. you sure made me feel as though i did. i thought that i did something horribly wrong, and it was all my fault. you didn't even give it 24 hours. you walked home holding his fucking hand. and yet nothing was predetermined? fuck you. you're an asshole. you're mistrustful. you cheated on your girlfriend with me. and then you cheated on me with him. i'm sensing a pattern. then you cheated on him with ryan. yes, ryan. as much as i fucking hated that kid, i've grown up and gotten over it. and i will say right here that you don't deserve him. and he deserves someone so much better than you. because you're a dirty person. you're a liar. a cheater. i hate you. no, i'm sure i don't hate you, but i hate what you did to me, and i resent you for it. for months i thought it was my fault. i had no idea. you warped fuck. you're twisted. you deserve to be alone. yeah, maybe i do too. maybe it's karma and i'm alone for a reason, but you, without a doubt, should be without anyone to love you. i don't care. you don't deserve the amazing boyfriend you have, or the friends you've got, or the family. you should be alone. and i hope, and i pray that you end up that way. and i will be there. and i'll be there, waiting to hear an apology come out of your mouth. i was willing to do anything for you, and you knew it. you fucking exploited it. I was the naiive one, for the first time in my life. i let my guard down for the first time ever. i was willing to trust someone as much as i trusted you, and it came back and burned me, and now, i can't do it. not because i don't want to, but because i literally can't trust anyone that much anymore. and i can't trust myself. and i don't care what anyone says, i blame you. with every fibre of my being, i blame you for the pain i've got right now. fuck you. you don't deserve anything you have, and if there is any karma, any soul in this world you will end up alone. i promise to not interfere, and i'm going to let you be you, and i'll be me, and lead my own life, and i'm not going to bother with you, but i'm going to be watching, and i will be waiting for the day you're alone. it will come. it's a pattern. you're a liar and a cheater. ting ting, me, tom, and i know ryan is next. i won't say anything to him, but i know it's coming. and i promise that if you hurt him anywhere near as bad as you hurt me, i'll be there, and i'll make sure you feel the pain. fuck you. you make me so angry, and i don't want to be angry, i don't want to hate you, but you do it to me and i hate you for it even more. and i don't even want to fucking hate. what the hell... i wish i'd never met you. i truly truly do. all i wanted was an explanation and an apology, and you were too much of a fucking coward to do that, and now look where we are. look where i am. i doubt you fucking care. you don't have a conscience. i was happy when you were gone. i was content, and pleased with things, and now you're back, and you're ruining my universe once again. you're a cancer. fuck you. fuck you. i fucking hate you.

how many people does he need?

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 15:53:40 GMT

i feel amazing.

the hair is gone today. well... sort of.

i don't want to be in love. i want to be in love in a movie.

anyway. this was just for kicks. i'll update for real later tonight.

so...

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 23:38:04 GMT

you liked that, huh?
i don't even have a hangover. i rock.
bye bye hair...

that i can do! i can do that!

man, i'm tired, and i want to blow things up with dry ice bombs. because i know how. and you don't.

goodnight for now. let's see how tonight goes. maybe i'll update again.

power to the people.

fuck

Fri, 15 Oct 2004 03:35:22 GMT

i'm angry. with everything. right now. if i'm like this tomorrow morning, i'm so taking the pill. i'm keeping it safe right now.. a temperance. a release. i don't fucking care. i'm angry, and embittered. i want to have an out of body experience, with the option of never returning.

where's my fucking chance... fuck. fuck.

i swear to god, i could seriously fucking hurt someone right now. it's a good thing i'm alone.
i hope my parents don't wake up dead.

yeah, i said it. fuck you.

i hope you didn't expect any fancy fucking writing with this entry. if you did, fuck you, because i'm not here to impress. this is for me. i don't care. i'll write fancy when i want to, because i don't need to show it off. i don't need external gratification because i know i'm a good fucking writer and i don't really give a shit whether you people think so or not. so fuck you. i can use big words properly, which is more than most of you can say. i just choose not to right now because i'm lazy. yeah, i said it. i'm angry and i'm lazy, so fuck you. and that's all i'm going to resort to saying right now. fuck you. because i don't need to say anything else to impress you because i know i can do it and i don't need your fucking support. and if you think i'm insensitive you're right. i don't care if your fucking grandmother just died i'll tell you again. fuck you. and no i'm not a racist. so fuck you people. i hate everyone equally i swear to fucking god. i hate god too. so yes, i hate black people and i hate white people and i hate indians and natives and asians, in no particular order. although i will say that i like asians more than anyone else, because they're chill. and you're not. okay, yeah, i hate white people. yes, fuck you white people. fuck you all. i'll skull fuck you. i don't care, that's why. and while we're on the subject, i hope the fucking white people die. yeah i'm being insensitive. YES i said that i want to kill a busload of priests because they're dirty fucking bastards. i dont care if it's only a few because even if they dont stick their cocks in little boys asses, they still fucking warp peoples minds and make them feel guilty. im not fucking guilty so suck my cock. i'm fucking drunk. yeah, drunk. fuck you.

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 20:19:54 GMT

this weekend has been a blur. i'm still groggy.

i want it to end, so i can go back to school or something.

...but i'm going to nap right now.

this never really happened... i don't know what it is..

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 22:59:16 GMT

Today, I awoke at 8AM, and wasn't depressed. I wasn't angry at my alarm as I usually am, for doing exactly what I program it to do. In fact, as the buzzing began, I left my bed, turned it off, and immediately put on my stereo. The Beatles. Then, I ran upstairs, yes ran--i had a hope in my step-- and poured a bowl of cereal. Fruit Loops, my friend. Bringing them downstairs, I set them on my desk as I continued to listen to the wonderful Rock and Roll. After my cereal was consumed, I had a shower, and it was glorious! I let the water hit my body for over half an hour, singing away to myself at the top of my lungs because I didn't care who I awoke, or who I angered. I was happy. I then dressed myself, in khaki pants (my favorite.. they are reversable!) and my Levi Strauss t-shirt, which happens to be too small, but I felt confident enough to wear today. Then I pulled my bag from under my bed and began to pack. Random-ness. A few likeable t-shirts, and my two favorite pairs of jeans. Almost forgot socks! Upstairs I went, grabbing my wallet and keys along the way. Picking up the phone, I dialed the number for a cab, and within 10 minutes it was there in my driveway. A good sign I thought. "To the airport," I said to the man, and off we went. The ride was a decent speed, and soon enough I was there. I waited in the proper terminal, and when the time came, my bags were checked, my ticket was scanned, and onto the small plane I went. Sitting in row H seat 3. Look at me go. The travel time to Toronto was brief. Enjoyable too, as I sat beside a woman in her mid-thirties, who was on her way to visit relatives. Her name was Denise, and she was quite a pleasant woman to talk to. We got along grande. The layover in Toronto was only 35 minutes, so I had time to get a coffee at Tim Hortons. Once I boarded the next plane, and the last leg of my journey, I discovered that I was sitting next to... Denise, no less! We both got quite a laugh out of it, and determined that it was fate. Because neither of us see a problem with fate, and believe that it's only the people with too much negative energy that don't want to set their mind on something as frivolous as "fate." And so there we were, on the 9 hour flight. I didn't mind at all. School of Rock was the film, and although I'd seen it in the theatre, I watched intently, as did Denise. Before we knew it, the flight attendants were preparing us for landing. Excitement came over me. I had no idea what I was to do once I got off the plan and collected my bag, but I knew it was to be enjoyable. And so there I was standing in baggage claim. My bag came round the carousel, and I took it, and headed towards the exit, after easily passing through customs. A smile. I stood outside, and got in line for a cab. Then, I heard someone calling my name. And although there are many people in the world that share my exact name, I knew the person shouting was determined to get my attention. I turned my head to the left, and saw my good friend Denise standing next to a cab with the door open, waving me over. So Denise and I shared a cab, and she questioned as to where I was going. I explained that I hadn't a clue, and no plan had been devised. She was shocked, and yet not surprised, as we'd shared so much about each other's personalities. And then, out of the kindness of her heart, Denise told me that I was to stay with her for the extent of her journey. And so here I am, sitting in a beautiful hotel room (part of which I AM paying for) in Napoli, Italia, with Denise on the balcony taking in the scenery. And I write to you people to tell you that no longer am I weighed down with the negativity I once held. I feel so absolutely cleansed, and carefree. No need for melancholic thinking, or aggravated demeanors. I feel pleasant and joyful, and I wish to share it with all those around me. I am writing to you to say that I will not be returning. Even when Denise parts (although she, too, seems uninterested in the life she left behind) I shall remain here, with the numerous friends I'm destined to make, and live a life I've always wanted. I'm sure I shall write, to each and everyone, but my physical presence is not available for you anymore. Thank you all so much. May you each find eternal happiness.

just thought you should know...

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 01:46:54 GMT

i am:
R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
and..
Paul in A Chorus Line

the moon is amazing.. i took pictures.

i feel like cher in moonstruck. but... better.

i swear to the spirits i had a point to this entry, but i completely lost it when i clicked "update"...

oh, here it is:

i completely recommend Shaun of the Dead as a film for the ages, and everyone should see it.

peace kids
-andrew

i bet nobody will respond to this.

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 22:10:24 GMT

Violence, even terror, always exists on the periphery of empire. They are the means by which empire is consolidated, defended, extended. Similarly, empire must respond to attack, or its basis is forfeit. All that is new about September 11, is that it didn't occur on a distant horizon. It was as if Rome had been attacked 2000 years ago, at the height of it's power.

The heartland of empire has a vast and ever-present meaning separable, and inseparable, from those twin-towers in Manhattan. Everyday existence, under the sign of the capital and technology that the World Trade Center represented, also cries out.

We live in a culture of increasing emptiness; there is a vacuum at the heart of our empire. Epidemics of illegal drugs succeed one another, while tens of millions, including children as young as two, need antidepressants to get through the day. A great hunger exists for anesthesia in the face of emotional devastation and loss. Everyone knows that something is missing, that meaning and value are steadily being leached out of daily life, along with it's very texture.

"The less people really live - or perhaps more correctly, the more they become aware that they haven't really lived - the more abrupt and frightening death becomes for them, and the more it appears as a terrible accident." Theodor Adorno's observation of decades ago seems even more pertinent today. Exploding jetliners and anthrax can terrify; meanwhile much deeper crisis triggers a far more pervasive and fundamental fear.

The empire is global. There is nowhere to go escape it's corrosive barrenness. Frederic Jameson reminded us that we live in the most standardized society that has ever existed. In "Global Soul," the peripatetic Pico Iyer ups the ante, meditating on how the whole world now tends towards a universal sameness. A global unity of alienness, of disorientation and disconnection, destined to resemble a mall or an airport. People now dress alike in every major city in the world. They drink Coca-Cola, and watch many of the same TV shows.

The empire's landscape of unreality and routinization grows steadily more pathological. Damage to nature and violence to the psyche compete in a postmodern culture of denial, punctuated by eruptions of the homicidal at work, at home, at school. We can expect to hear more and more alarm bells that will wake us altogether. Peaceful slumber is unthinkable.

Who doesn't know, on some level, where this empire - this civilization - is taking us? Our liberation movement needs to be qualitatively different from all the failed, limited approaches of the past. Everyday life is waiting - waiting to be truly lived.

------------------------------------

last night was wonderful steven... i think i want to commit

------------------------------------

my reality is shifting again, and i'm not sure where it's taking me this time, but it's causing the surfacing of so many memories that don't exist... i don't understand..

when you're good to mama

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 02:12:11 GMT

eeeeeek! i talked to my prince charming on the phone this evening, and it made me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy.

i get to see him friday, when he rides into town on his white stallion!

i'm feeling good about school right now. other than my lack of reading this novel (because i keep falling asleep) i'm actually doing well, and have been keeping organized.

i am R.P. McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

this update is fun because i'm hyper. at the moment i'm drinking dr. pepper, listening to eminem, and playing games on my new iMac. yeah, i got a fuckin' iMac, i rock, no matter what you think >>kate and matt<<

anyway, i'm out.
peace, yo.

andrew

in the library at school

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 17:52:23 GMT

this weekend will be spectacular, prince charming... i promise you. jesslyn, tom, you're in too..

The defense for all these God's-eye projects has never changed: if you're not doing anything wrong, then who cares who's watching? After September 11, that statement has lost whatever bland comfort it might have offered. In the with-us-or-against-us world, where hundreds of Americans have been essentially kidnapped for questioning, where the ethics of torture have been re-opened for debate, and where closed trials are a real possiblility, political expression is a blurry path through a minefield.

~~andrew

--hugs-- prince charming

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 03:19:33 GMT

this update is being made from my new computer... my imac... fuckin' right. lots of improvements need to be made to it, but it's a start, and i'm happy with that. i'll still have my laptop for awhile, because the transition is going to be slow.

steven... i'm thinking about you...

this computer rocks

mm, anybody want to give me an SLR camera?

right, well, i just wanted to tell everyone that i've got my computer and it's OK! i've become a very happy individual (not as happy as YOU make me, though.. --giggles--)

goodnight everyone!

-andrew

P.S. last night i had a lot of fun... good people, good people.

side note:

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 15:17:29 GMT

We gather in Carnival resistance for many reasons: political, symbolic, religious, personal, spiritual, ethical, utilitarian.. But who can deny the lust for kicks?

Just because you're not paranoid...
...Doesn't mean you're not being stroboscopically photographed from space.

Sat, 18 Sep 2004 04:48:37 GMT

i am happier than i've been in years... nobody can take it away from me right now. nobody. thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...

and now for some intelligence... exerpts from Thomas H. Naylor's "Vietnam Manifesto"

A specter is haunting America--the specter of technofascism, a global system of imperialism which ostensibly free individuals allow Corporate America and the United States government to manipulate and control their lives through money, markets, media and technology resulting in the loss of political will, civil liberties, collective memory, and traditional culture.

The US runs the risk of "imperial overstretch," in which the sum of our nation's global commitments exceeds the power to defend them all simultaneously.

As Thomas Jefferson said in the Declaration of Independence, "Whenever any form of government becomes destructive, it is the right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute a new government." An empire spawned by seccession can surely die that way. We believe thew time has come for all citizens to peacefully rebel.

wendy's sucks

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 22:44:56 GMT

i don't mind spending everyday, out on your corner in the pouring rain, look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. and she will be loved...

okay, so the song is catchy. i've got no qualms with maroon 5.

gosh, steven, i don't even know what to do with you... this hasn't happened in a long long time.

seinfeld rocks my socks. right philip?

i'm determined to be nice... to be kind...

all my entries seem to start with an optimist tone... but then they trail off like this, and have absolutely no point to them. fuck.

alright, i'll admit, i'm not feeling good right now. i'm ...sad? yeah, sad.

-andrew

fifth business-robertson davies

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 23:41:24 GMT

this newest layout for my livejournal is dedicated to steven, for reasons i'm sure he can understand.

the plays went well.. for that i am glad.

not a pertinent update, really, i just wanted to post something for the sake of boredom.

i was a convincing jesus.

-andrew

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 02:10:13 GMT

on the paper she had written
"you"

and she told me,
"that's a list of the people,

who are standing too close."

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 02:05:47 GMT

"It wasn't radioactive,"
the doctor said,
"It was a brown recluse spider."

"Fuck that,"
i said,
"My spidey sense is tingling."

"That's nerve damage,"
he said.

a certain shade of green

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 02:01:48 GMT

terrorists attacked
and i called my sister,

she said it was
too much drama

before
her morning coffee,

and hung up on me.

the hours

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 02:58:03 GMT

sex and the city, again.

school has begun and dawsons creek is no more. now, i must buy the dvd's...

this is my entry without purpose.

i haven't anything special to say about school. it's there. it's interesting. early morning starts tomorrow.

i want to drink right now.
right now
right now
right now
right now

something with vodka.

i want someone to see after school and rant to, and they rub my shoulders and say "aww, muffin"

goodbye.

Vincent Price

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 16:55:02 GMT

twas grace that told thy heart to feel.

dvds please.

bought school supplies today. and a mirror to admire myself between classes. self absorbed? sure, why not.

thriller.

Why, there they are, both baked in this pie,
Whereof their mother daintily hath fed,
Eating the flesh that she herself hath bred.
'Tis true, 'tis true; witness my knife's sharp point!

i support michael jackson. i don't care what any blue-collar homophobic redneck thinks.

my right eye is itchy.

p o i n t l e s s

my forehead itches

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 03:18:16 GMT

so my attempt to quit smoking continues. i've bought 5 boxes of individually wrapped bubble gums, 200 in each box. think sandra bullock in 28 Days...

help.

school on tuesday.

kate you're cute. really, you are.

my room smells like Citrus Febreeze. i found spiders.

i feel like red.

-andrew

dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a room with a wolf on angel dust

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 20:33:40 GMT

i've cleaned my living space.
he can't go out tonight, so i don't think i'll be telling him. but next weekend...

i have a crush on
K
A
T
E
...i think she knows who she is.

~i have got a crush, my baby on you... ooh you make me blush, darling~

today is a good day, but it feels much later than it actually is. eesh..

-andrew